Maternity Pants Time!


I know what you’re thinking.  “Gosh, how awesome that Kim’s having another one of those sweet Beeler children!”

But you’d be WRONG!

Those Beeler children are not sweet!  Err…  I mean, I’m not knocked up!

These are *not* the Beeler children. These children will kill you while you sleep. The Beeler children will wear you out until you just lay down and die. In your maternity pants.

My OB agreed with me, after E was born, that I’m not a good candidate for more pregnancies.  But I have this pair (seriously, I just wrote it pare, then pear, then pair) of maternity pants from 2001 that I AM STILL WEARING!  Yesterday I took them on their maiden 2012 voyage in which I played tennis with my husband and kids.  Today I wore them again to go roller skating with the kids at homeschool skate.

It’s not that I’d be a bad mom, quality-wise… Just a terrible vessel. Also, it might kill me. These parents are terrible parents quality-wise.

I know it’s summer when I get to wear my maternity pants.

They frickin’ rock, in all their lime green glory.

This maternity pants sighting proves at least two things.  One, I wear clothes more than once before washing because it’s great for the environment, YAY Environment!,

Not super funny, but a diagram instantly makes this post more scientific. Plus, it’s a VENN! Venn diagrams are very helpful in sorting information.

and 2) we are an athletic bunch of Beelers this week.  N was outside, under the wide open sky, with sun shining and no electrical outlets.  None of us perished from the grass, trees, breeze, or solar flares.  We almost perished from E’s very bossy tendencies, however.  He’s definitely one that has ideas and opinions, and likes to bark them at all of us from the comfort and safety of family.  He’s pretty quiet outside the family.

“Nasa warns solar flares from ‘huge space storm’ will cause wide-spread chaos.” So be careful if you leave your house. Ever.

I have no idea where E gets those bossy traits.

Not from me! I swear! Jeff is a lying liar.

Moving on, back to the subject of my awesome pants…  A friend commented that she liked them a couple of years ago.  I ‘fessed up that they were maternity in nature.  The ground didn’t swallow me up, so I kept wearing them.  Last year, my sister saved me from myself and helped me get some new clothes.  I think she felt sorry for me because I was still wearing a brown, v-necked shirt that she couldn’t even remember how long ago her store carried…  Ten or more years, at least.

I love that shirt, too.  I can’t wait until lime green and brown are acceptable together in public.

Half my target t-shirts were stained with movie popcorn butter.  Thanks, Jeff!  (buy same size as husband wears, in men’s = two wardrobes for the price of one!)  My favorite pair of jeans actually wore out in the crotch last year!  There was nothing left!  I was sad (dual meaning) and wore them a couple of extra times before declaring them toast.  I’m painfully shy, so the juxtaposition of not being able to talk to people due to diagnosable mental illness, plus my hoo-ha hanging out…priceless.

The rip started like this. Then it grew, and kind of gaped down a little. This is not my hoo-ha. This is a stranger’s crotch, thanks be to Google Images.

Did I mention the social anxiety?  One-two punch, shyness *and* social anxiety.  Maybe they’re the same thing?  Whatever.  “By the power of Grayskull…I have the POWER!”  But I save it for Facebook and blogging.  Sorry.

Word.

But my maternity pants stand the test of time.  They also hold three tennis balls per pocket.  PER POCKET!  That’s right…  Pregnant women need bigass pockets to hold their crap.  Car keys, water bottle, a sandwich, plus whatever else is necessary to be pregnant and on the move.  Non-pregnant people wearing maternity pants could also benefit from bigass pockets.  Skating?  I had a pear of socks, unusually large smart phone, folding money, and an electric generator for my laptop.  And my laptop.  It was glorious.

This year I have a couple of shirts and pants that are younger than my oldest child, which is almost the same as me being in the front row of Paris Fashion Week.  I’m pretty jazzed, actually.  I will continue to wear my maternity pants, however.

I think they look a little bit like clown pants, and I hate clowns, but sweet baby (insert favorite deity name here), I love those effing pants.

I don’t love *these* effing pants.

I just read this to my creative writing critique group (N & E), and the feedback I received is that it needs more bad words.  I love those kids almost as much as I love my maternity pants.

For N and E, who like it when I swear.

26 Comments

  1. LakeMom said,

    May 24, 2012 at 5:25 pm

    You are so flippin’ funny! Love this. I have some shirts that are not actually maternity shirts but might as well be and I love them!

  2. Annie said,

    May 24, 2012 at 5:45 pm

    I just have one question: What did you Google to come up with the ripped crotch photo, and what else did you see when you did so? OK, that’s two questions. But I’m quite sure that if I Googled “ripped crotch” I’d be privy to much much more than I care to be privy to. I’m dying to know how you found that photo without inflicting severe emotional and psychological trauma upon yourself. 🙂

    • May 25, 2012 at 12:21 pm

      Seriously, you have no idea. !!! I start my searches broad, just to see what happens. “ripped crotch images” and then I clicked the “images” link on the left of the Google search results…

      There was a severed arm reattached at the groin!!! Must be the femoral artery kept the blood moving through the limb? I really thought it was fake, but then I read some comments that made me think there could be truth…then I got sucked into the comments! It was so gross. I plan to look into it one day and see if it was real.

      But first I have to deal with the severe emotional and psychological trauma!

    • denise said,

      May 28, 2012 at 9:11 am

      I was wondering this too. And I also wondered what exactly I was seeing in that gaping space . . .

  3. SkiMama said,

    May 24, 2012 at 7:04 pm

    You said “pear of socks”! And I want the polka dot pants! To go skating in! And I will go buy them when I stop laughing! 😉 MWAH!

    • May 25, 2012 at 12:26 pm

      I initially wrote “pair” and changed it. 🙂 I was reading it to my critique partners and was like, “and I spelled a word wrong on PURPOSE!” They were like “Don’t do it, mom! Noooo…” and I did it anyway. 🙂

      I’d give you $1 if you wore those pants skating. LOL

  4. May 24, 2012 at 7:40 pm

    bahahahahaha! You are too friggin’ funny!

  5. Your soap is PEOPLE! said,

    May 24, 2012 at 9:11 pm

    E & N are right. Swear words are fantastic. Please include more of them in your next blog post. Thank you for your consideration.

    • May 25, 2012 at 12:37 pm

      I sometimes feel like I should care more about swear words, but they’re just words. We don’t listen much to the radio, and don’t watch a lot of “real time” tv, so the kids just heard Cee Lo Green’s fabulous Masterpiece, “Fuck You,” in the last month. They loved it!

      From N: “The extensive use of swearing is kind of funny, and it’s the catchiest tune I’ve ever heard.”

  6. denise said,

    May 24, 2012 at 10:58 pm

    You are some good fun!

    • May 25, 2012 at 12:38 pm

      Thank you! I try. 🙂 I’m not very fun IRL, so I try to misrepresent myself as best as possible on my blog.

      • denise said,

        May 28, 2012 at 9:24 am

        I’m not either; kinda shy. Actually we’ve met (at the Baltimore aquarium possibly?). You’re so funny I think about how fun it would be to sit and talk with you IRL, but really we’d probably just sit and stare at our coffee :).

        • May 29, 2012 at 10:03 am

          Hahaha I don’t even drink coffee! I would stare at my non-coffee beverage.

          I’m getting better though. As long as I’m with one or two people I know, I can appear to be less corpselike. Even in a group of people though, the one or two people I already know are likely the only ones I’d talk to.

          I was at the aquarium overnight! Did you organize the monument tour later in the week? My family did that too.

          • Denise said,

            June 4, 2012 at 8:30 am

            Yes, that was me. That was a great trip. Hopefully we’ll cross paths again one of these days.

            Keep writing!

  7. Kathie said,

    May 25, 2012 at 12:47 am

    Folding money? Where do you get that?

    Totally with you on the pockets. My current jeans have no pockets – the horror!

    • May 25, 2012 at 12:45 pm

      Folding money. I usually embezzle money from the family at the grocery store. Get cash back…proceed home and complain about high prices. Pat fat wallet.

      Near future: Husband steals half back, then I spend the rest on cheese sticks and nachos at the rink for the kids.

  8. Amy said,

    May 25, 2012 at 6:44 pm

    Oh Kim you make me laugh out loud (I’m at work and people are now wondering!). Love reading your blog!

  9. Rhonda said,

    May 27, 2012 at 10:16 pm

    O.M.G. I MISS YOU !!!!!!!!!! i cant stop wiping my eyes, im still laughing. I need more hilarious people in my life. We need to get together soon. (P.S. Having recently moved ((twice)) I have also been confronted by the contents of the far reaches of my closets and drawers. My firstborn graduated from high school last weekend and yet the hot pink Minnie Mouse maternity Tshirt still resides, lovingly preserved in all its dessicated glory, in the back of the bottom drawer. While it appears that some spontaneous shredding has occurred in both nipple regions of this shirt, I do not in fact own anything that my hoo-ha hangs out of, and in fact until 1 minute 45 seconds ago, upon reading your blog, did not understand that the word hoo-ha has this meaning attached to it. I use it randomly in place of the term ‘whatchamacallit’ and actually thought I had made it up. This now explains some of the looks I get when I use it at work….. )

    • May 28, 2012 at 12:10 am

      Unless the “whatchamacallit” is actually a vagina, I understand why some people might give you funny looks. That’s so funny.

      Dawn and I want to go out with you! You have a high school graduate?? That’s nuts.

      I used to move a lot and found boxes full of garbage and recycling, years later… Unopened mail from people long dead. You know, fun stuff.

    • denise said,

      May 28, 2012 at 9:19 am

      I heard Chelsea Handler call it a Pikachu. I can’t stop laughing silently whenever I use that in my mind.


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