Delicious Minutiae

So my friend posted on FB that my blog makes her “cry and pee a little.”  That’s cool, and I admire her honesty.  It was a good share.

Some people like to share their toys, thoughts, feelings…incontinence. It’s all very powerful.

That also got me all spun out on a Google Images binge.  I always learn so much while googling random keywords.  Today I learned that at least one of your friends is a filthy animal.

Is it this one?

In a slightly outdated (2009) online survey of 1000 adults, 1 in 5 confessed to peeing in the swimming pool.  Not sure which pool, but if you’ve been in *any* pool with more than four other adults…  One of them whizzed all over you for free.  Lucky you!

My quick bit of research uncovered costs ranging from $10 to $50, probably more if you leave the alley, but some people are willing to do it for free. They pee in the pool too.

At least two in five were probably lying.  So, odds are good that of the four others, two more are too embarrassed to admit they use any captive body of water as a toilet.  Years ago I remember reading about some guy that relieved himself in the coffee pot at his office.  He’s probably peeing in your pool too, as well as the vat of sangria you made for later.

I’m not saying it’s not a nice toilet. It’s a unique and fabulous toilet.

(Side note: didn’t find the original story I remembered, so subbed a different one…)

So, what’s the big deal?  Pools are filtered, cleaned, chemically treated.  It’s safe to have four friends over to swim at the same time, not to mention their babies in non-absorbant swim diapers, their “potty trained” toddlers and young children…  They swim for a couple of hours, get liquored up on juice pouches and hose water, and don’t need to use your bathroom?  Riiiight.  They are *so* using your bathroom.  The one in your backyard.

See how happy? It’s because they love those thermal vents.

That cute baby has loose, mustard-seedy, breastfed stools.  He’s wearing a swim diaper.  He shat in your pool.  It’s in your eyes.

Since a lot of your friends don’t shower before they get in the pool (35%, check the link above), there is also a lot of contamination from make-up, hair product, lotions, dead skin, toe cheese, old sweat, and all of that other nasty stuff I’m too damned polite to mention.

This is not a bad idea.

When is the last time you cleaned inside your belly button?  You are swimming in your friend’s scabs and puss.

Calm your shit down though!  The pool is chlorinated.  The chemicals make it safe to swim in the cesspool of your friend’s yeast and smegma.  Your open wounds (bandaids are in the skimmer with your neighbor kid’s 10 feet of hair) are safe!

Michael Phelps admitted in an interview with some late night guy that he pees in the pool. So, go ahead and pee in the pool too. You might win Olympic gold one day.

Not true!  You’re not safe!  I read another article, thanks to my keyword searching and insatiable curiosity, that all that organic matter is reacting with the pool chemicals and will give you cancer.  And make you sterile.  You know what?  Your unborn children might one day be born with genetic mutations.  I’m pretty sure you already have asthma.  Michael Phelps might have made you sterile with all that Olympic kidney waste.

This dog’s mom and dad made sweet love in a chlorinated pool. She was born in a bun. IN A BUN! With condiments, even.

I learned all about it in this feel-good article, also from LiveScience.  Check it out and let your friends know their unfortunate pool diseases won’t be covered by your Homeowner’s policy.

Raymond and Joyce don’t care anymore about what happened in the pool. They never really cared, but now they *really* don’t give a flying whatnot.

Wait.  What did it say?  “While the new study did not examine actual effects on humans, it suggests such research might be warranted.”

You’re publishing an article, LiveScience, that incites mass hysteria at the pool, telling all these bleeding, skin cell sloughing, incontinent people that they’re going to die slowly and in great pain because their organics are not playing nicely with the disinfectants…but you haven’t studied “actual effects”?  No proof?

The camel knows.

Ahh.  Deep sigh of relief.  The armies of stringy, green-haired people with chemically burned skin peeling from their calcium-stripped skeletons DOES NOT EXIST!  Hells yes, it’s safe to go in the water.

Turns out swimming with four or more of your friends, and their disgusting children, probably won’t kill you.

I always heard about a dye that reacts to urine in the pool water, but it turns out I was being told yet one more lie as a child.  Adults should really stop lying to children.  It’s not nice.

Lies adults tell children.

One pool fact that I wish was a lie makes me glad my sensitive skin and allergies to chemicals has kept me out of swimming pools since I was a kid.  Sit down on your crusty, ill-wiped poop because this is disgusting enough to die from.

“Most people have about 0.14 grams of feces on their bottoms that, when rinsed off, can contaminate recreational water, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.”  I read it online.  It’s true!

The article continues to entice us into Washington D.C. pools with an estimate of 50 pounds of shit accumulating in their area swimming holes over the course of a summer.  Not all at the same time, in the same place, but it’s a little like swimming in a port-a-potty, no?  Well, it’s happening in your local pools too.

It accumulates. It’s not just from one person, but from the deposits of many.

Centennial Beach is full of germy, bacterial crap.  No goggles?  It’s in your brain.

A man made crap hole in picturesque downtown Naperville, IL. Bring the whole family.

I hope this post has been informative and helpful.  Now that the hot weather is upon us, I just want my friends to be aware of the dangers of swimming with four or more friends at the same time.  Obviously, if you only have three friends with you…the pool pisser is likely still at home and you’re going to be fine.  I can’t help you with the fecally crusted substructures, or the smegma for that matter, but I do recommend you leave the fourth friend at home.

And if your friends are absolutely not the type, take a critical look at your partner’s friends.  They are totes the most disgusting, feces encrusted despoilers of the water *I’ve* ever seen, and I just wanted to warn you that they’ll be whizzing on you for free, right out there for all the world to see.  Take precautions.

We never even hit on the crustacean concerns. No joke, just stay home in the A/C this summer.

Also, please use sunscreen.  It’s important to me and I want you to be safe.  Your lotion-in-the-water may cause your friend’s future child to be born with an arm growing out the top of his head, though that’s kinda iffy at best.  I’m almost a doctor and I think it’s worth the risk.

Have a wonderful summer.  Let me know how it works out for you.  And all those future babies.

I’m sure everything will work out fine.