Chuck Norris Redux and Why My Kids Are in a Chain Gang


My house is a pigsty, I re-realized this morning, while we were feeling somewhat restless in each other’s orbits.

Jeff eventually took the kids to the beach, and I said I was going to stay home and clean the barn we call home.  Like the scrubby kind of cleaning, where you vacuum the vents, use products, and everything.

Shit yes, I love to clean my house. Look how happy it makes me to serve my family.

I was obsessing over blog stuff before they cleared out, metablogging if you will, and read to the kids a list of countries from which my international friends are checking in.  Since February 25, I’ve had readers from 70 different countries.  That’s surprising to me.

Then they started showing up at my house. It was really awkward.

The kids are into geography.  We have 13 maps on the walls of our main living space.  We kinds/sorta homeschool on weekends and holidays to make up for all the goofing and video game playing “we” do on “school” days.  And Target shopping.  And Costco visits.  And all-day play dates, parties, and park days.  And, well…maybe we don’t homeschool so much as we live our lives with curious minds.  They suck everything in.  Especially free samples.

I don’t think he really loves me. He just wants me to spend $300 on frozen lasagna and toilet paper. Costco sells over a billion rolls per year. Saw it in a documentary.

Geography of Vanity lesson done for the day, I was then looking at my most popular post stats.  Far and away, Chuck Norris is the winner.  He brought in almost 1200 readers, while my second place maternity pants invited only 200.  That one is only a couple of days old, so maybe I should give it time.
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N wanted to see if he could find my blog using Chuck Norris keywords.  We think it’s funny that Chuck Norris really does win at everything, even a popularity contest between crap in swimming pools and a pair of pants.

You think it’s a joke, but it’s true. Chuck is badass.

With a couple of tweaks, N found my blog and proceeded to correct my grammar and spelling on old posts, to which E commented “You made all those mistakes in front of everyone!”

Let’s go with annoyed and secretly proud, too. Then let’s also go with an opening bid of $12.50 for the both of them.

These guys are Damned. Lucky. I’m their mom.  Far better people than I would have had them breaking rocks by the roadside by now.  Maybe even in a chain gang.  Instead, I kicked them out of the house.

Precedent set. This kid corrected his mom’s grammar and spelling too.

So, while they were gone, I cyberstalked people online, took a few hours to nap in the middle of the day, made up conversations between the cats *with* the cats, got the brush-off from my mom on the phone, cried the rest of the afternoon because my mom was cheating on me with my other sister…  Then began cleaning the house about an hour before I figured the boys would be home.

Sometimes the conversations are short, so we just make beautiful music together instead.

Apparently it looked like I got a lot done.
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“It looks like you got a lot done,” Jeff said.  He must have really low expectations for my domestic skills.
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It’s pretty shortsighted for me to be admitting this in print, seeing as now he knows how much I can get done in an hour or less.  I only got one room done, but Jaysus H., the Queen of England could suck soup out of the carpet, it’s so clean in here.

Assume the position, Betsy, or there will be no soup for you!
(nods to Seinfeld’s Soup Nazi)

Speaking of weird visuals, N informed me before they left for the day:
“E found a glitch in Minecaft!  He discovered a way for all the animals to lose their torsos.  They’re just legs and floating heads.  The sheep also lost their faces!  They walk around and graze just fine, so it doesn’t look like they mind.”

Bwahaha Ditto on your base.

And a Chuck Norris fact I hadn’t known before today:
“Chuck Norris’ iPod came with a real charger instead of just a USB cord.”
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OMG  I wonder if he took the sheep’s faces, and all the other animal’s torsos?

2 Comments

  1. John Cahoon said,

    May 29, 2012 at 8:00 am

    Yes. Just….yes.

    And why don’t our spouses and children realize that writing is a full time job and clean up after themselves? We are going to carry all the weight just as soon as we get out big break….

  2. May 29, 2012 at 9:55 am

    I don’t actually write full time. Or part time for that matter. It’s mostly something I do when suffering insomnia… 2am is not the best time to vacuum.

    Maybe I should try writing during the day. It might make me look less lame to have piles of junk mail and clutter all over the place. “I’m working.”


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