Mother Nature is a Spammer *and* Every Time You Spam, God Kills a Kitten


I was just raking my yard and came across my nemesis: the dandelion.  What is the growing season of the dandelion?  Can’t they just die already?

Die!!!!!

We don’t use chemicals in our yard, so I pull them individually.  Thousands of them!  Our yard sometimes looks like Caddyshack, which I refer to as soil aeration.

I wish Mother Nature would stop spamming us with these awful weeds.

Hello little bee on the evil dandelion... Your mom stung me in the armpit awhile back iand is now DEAD!

How Stuff Works, Mother Nature’s henchsite, even has a page on growing dandelions on purpose!  I think that’s just crazy talk.

Speaking of Spam, I’ve been getting some good spam on this blog, but if I approve it (more comments!  Yay!), they’ll probably start posting embarrassing Bob Dole ads, or happy couples in twin claw-footed tubs that like to bathe together (but separately!) on the back porch.

I’ll share some of my favorite blog spam on a case-by-case basis instead:

“Four things a woman should know: How to look like a girl, how to act like a lady, how to think like a man, and how to work like a dog.”  Mkay.  Thanks.

“All is fair in love and war. I guess that’s why so many are wounded.”  And you want me to buy a gift basket?  For my wounded love?

“My formula for living is quite simple. I get up in the morning and I go to bed at night. In between, I occupy myself as best I can. ~Cary Grant”  Bedding sales–clever tie-in, but no thanks.

“Most cats, when they are “out” want to be “in”, and vice versa, and often simultaneously. — Louis J. Camuti, DVM”  Gifts for chefs?  Really?  This is a dumb quote, at best.  Try harder, spammer.  Also try to keep the cats out of the kitchen.

“If thine enemy offend thee, give his child a drum.”  I like this one, so I will credit “Christmas Gifts For a One Year Old” with the best spam of the day.

Jarrold gets the worst spammer award: “I would like to be a creative writing professor, but I can no find out exactly what they do. I love to write, and to help other people become better writers, so that is why I want to become a creative writing/english professor. Does this fit with the profession? What is the life of such a professor like?.”  If he found my blog, could he not find other sources on the interwebs better positioned to give him career advice?

Here is some special Spam for my dad, who I think still reads here:

"Spamwiches sure fit this bunch!"

"Keep cool--just open a can of SPAM."

"Gracie, if a strange man offered to buy you lunch, what would you say?"

Short intermission for diarrhea (two r’s, one h…got it!) and Pepto.

"Gracie--if all your relatives dropped in for dinner, what would you say?" I guarantee it will only happen ONE time, Gracie.

And for the cat and dog lovers, a little warning:

I think they mean business.

God hates spam more than he loves kittens.

4 Comments

  1. Kato said,

    October 16, 2011 at 4:34 am

    Run, kitten, RUN!!! (side note: I love Gracie Allen)

  2. Melvin Fought (your dad) said,

    October 16, 2011 at 11:32 pm

    Khym, you know that isn’t true about God and kittens. Even God likes spam for breadfast. It’s even eco-friendly. No animal is harmed in the manufacturing of spam. They have all been long dead of natural causes, acidents and old age. Let it be known to all who read this blog, Khym’s young boys also like spam for breakfast. Yea Spam

  3. October 17, 2011 at 4:55 pm

    Sorry dad, the kids are just being nice. haha

    Or not… I asked them and there were mixed reviews.

    N is for neutral: “To be honest, I can’t really remember what Spam tastes like. It’s been so long.”

    E is for enthusiastic: “MMMMMmmmmmm!! I LOVE SPAM!”


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