Yesterday we had a fabulous day at MRU. The weather was superb, the friends were plentiful and entertaining, the kids seemed to really enjoy each other…
Then there was N. My sweet, adorable, lovable N. Quirky, argumentative, baffling N. Sometimes I wonder: If I was a hamster, would I have eaten him as a baby?
I’ll boil this down to the basics. He was playing on top of our minivan in the parking lot. I asked him to please not do that in the future, as that was not okay. If I can offer reasons, I will. I don’t think I always have to have a reason, however in this case I pointed out I didn’t want him to fall off and I didn’t want the car scratched up and/or dented.
Safety of the child, safety of the car. I’m a safety girl.
It would actually be a different story if it was a playground. He could fall off all manner of equipment there and that would be fine. Character building, even. Our homeschool group has a proud tradition for having bloody playground injuries in fact. We like to grow our kids up right…just not by impaling themselves on vehicle antannae, or crashing through sun roofs.
So, N was angry at me that I thought it was an unsafe place to play…the minivan is very wide and has plenty of surface area. He wears all soft clothes, so the car could only be improved by the dusting. No scratches!
I wondered out loud why he would even think that was okay…it’s never been okay to play on top of the minivan! This is where my eyes were opened to the truth. As with most things, it was my fault.
Apparently I was supposed to tell him, specifically, that the top of the minivan is not the cool new place to hang-out with his friends. Until I did so, it was a sanctioned activity. He questioned the fairness of me being peeved when I had not made clear the rightness or wrongness of his choices.
“You NEVER told me I couldn’t play there! You’ve never said it’s not okay!”
Jeff said it sounded like extreme logic to the point of being irrational. I say that if I was a hamster I would have eaten him while my owner’s household was sleeping.
So, now I need to make a list of things to share with N so he does not do them and blame me later.
LIST OF THINGS N CANNOT DO:
1. Do not stab yourself in the eyeball with a fork.
2. Do not take more than one penny from the “Take a Penny” tray at the cash register.
3. Do not throw bricks through windows.
4. Do not jump out of windows.
5. Do not yell “FIRE!” in a crowded movie theater.
6. Do not call in bomb threats in order to get out of activities.
7. Try to keep your clothes on in public places.
8. If you plan to become a copper thief, do not use bolt cutters on live electrical cable.
9. Do not take medications for reasons other than prescribed by your physician.
10. Don’t kill anyone.
11. Do not play on top of the minivan.
12. If you come upon a momma bear and her cubs while hiking in the forest, do not run away in a noisy panic.
13. Do not rob a bank.
14. Do not try to outrun police in a high speed chase.
15. ?
I could really use some help on this list. It really needs to touch on obscure possibilities. N watches a lot of Mythbusters, so he may blow up his or someone else’s pants one day. I suppose I could just get the whole series of Jackass movies and watch them all with N. Does #15 on the list really need to be “Don’t pull a prank on a friend and make a costume beard full of pubic hair and crabs”? or:
16. Do not staple your butt cheeks together.
17. Do not take naked pictures of yourself, ever!!
18. Don’t do any of these things:
If you see a topic I’ve missed, please comment below. Help me prepare my son to be a productive member of society.
Thank you in advance.
Delicious Minutiae 
Tabby said,
October 5, 2011 at 10:59 am
I’ve had those moments with my children. “But you never told me I couldn’t ________!”
May I suggest you add some precision to number 11, because I smell a big giant loophole?
11. Do not play on top of *any* vehicle that has a motor. This includes minivans, trucks, cars, RVs, semis, farm equipment, construction vehicles, trains, airplanes, helicopters, boats, ships, submarines, and any other vehicle with a motor that I have not explicitly mentioned here.
I think you might want to add some specifics about things having to do with electricity, fire, and explosions as well.
Kim B. said,
October 6, 2011 at 8:55 am
Well I don’t want to overly restrict him, Tabby! He’ll never mow the lawn, rototill the garden or discover any sunken treasure. He will internalize my #11, dramatize it, twist it, then hurl it back at me as the reason he had to move to Pennsylvania and start making space heater enclosures by hand.
I’ll think on it some more.
Kelly said,
October 5, 2011 at 11:32 am
19. N…Do not argue with your mother! She is awesome and loves you very much. Also, I think you are also awesome.
Love,
Mrs. O.
Kim B. said,
October 6, 2011 at 8:56 am
Mrs. O is very smart. She knows things. 🙂
Jessica said,
October 5, 2011 at 11:42 am
I’m due with our first – also a boy – this February. I guess I better start a list like that…oh boy. Literally.
Kim B. said,
October 6, 2011 at 9:01 am
Are you crafty? I like Janedeau’s idea to make a booklet. Babies LOVE warning signs, at least mine did. Both of mine are obsessed with the worst case scenario of everything, and also illustrated rules. I think your baby will love it!
Congrats on your first baby! Stick around here and you’ll probably learn how *not* to do things. 🙂
janedeau said,
October 5, 2011 at 12:24 pm
LOL! I actually drew a little booklet for Zoe of things not to do. Like:
Do not jump on a trampoline while holding knives or scissors.
Do not eat sunscreen lotion.
Do not eat random things you find on a table at a restaurant.
Do not drink ocean water.
I think I could help a lot with this. . .
Kim B. said,
October 6, 2011 at 9:06 am
LOL! Poor Zoe. I think you’re being a little conservative here. Did she have a problem consuming nonfood items?
I watched a show where the lady was addicted to eating toilet paper. She was always tearing off chunks and eating it, even in a restaurant with a plate of real food in front of her…
I’m adding all of these to N’s list. Keep them coming!
plinywaves said,
October 5, 2011 at 1:59 pm
LOL, If I had a dollar for every time my 3 boys have said the “you never told me” or ” ‘Because I said so’ is not a reason, give me a REAL reason”, I could probably be a millionaire by now. I know I will have things to add to N’s list,….
Kim B. said,
October 6, 2011 at 9:10 am
Apparently I would only be a thousandaire, or maybe even a hundredaire. Please feel free to add to my list!
Deb Porter said,
October 5, 2011 at 2:28 pm
Do not out keys into an electrical socket. Just ask Rodney and he will tell you what will happen.
Do not eat anything that you find on the floor.
Do not climb around in moving van or pod, it is not a playground.
Wait for people to exit the crosswalk, or you may here Deb yelling at you.
Do not put grapes in the microwave to see what will happen. They will catch fire.
Do not experiment with ceiling fans.
Never swim alone.
Go to the dentist (hint,hint, wink, wink.)
Kim B. said,
October 6, 2011 at 9:18 am
Do you know what I got from your list? I need to put grapes in the microwave! I also recommend putting Ivory soap in the microwave. SO COOL!
I like the part about Deb calling the police on the crosswalk a-holes. 🙂
Jeff Beeler said,
October 5, 2011 at 11:04 pm
I started laughing upon just reading the title, both because it is funny and because I knew where you were going with this. I would offer, as the father of these Enthusiasts (code for Nutjobs), my own complimentary title: There’s a Reason Many Mammal Fathers Don’t Stick Around After Conception.
By the way, your writing is wicked funny, fresh, witty and dynamic, and if you don’t find a way to turn this into J’s & K’s instant retirement, then consider yourself threatened with more obnoxious comments like this on a daily basis going forward. With Love…
Kim B. said,
October 6, 2011 at 9:29 am
I’m totally stealing your title for a future post! LOL They can’t all be Mr. Seahorse, you know.
I’m gearing up for November, so my post-a-day is more of an exercise in knocking the cobwebs off than anything. Sorry, no instant retirement.
Keep the “obnoxious” comments coming. They feed my low self-esteem.
Sometimes Our Elders Are Cranky Liars « Delicious Minutiae said,
October 6, 2011 at 12:11 pm
[…] my kids not grow up and steal people’s parking spaces like the old man in the hat. (See yesterday’s post for more info on why it’s necessary to spell out the […]
Kathie said,
October 6, 2011 at 9:46 pm
Kim, so glad to read more posts from you, I’VE MISSED YOU!!! Keep writing, please!!!
Kim B. said,
October 9, 2011 at 11:19 am
Thanks, Kathie!!
I’m trying to post every day, in preparation for NaNoWriMo. I worry that I’m oversharing and no one really cares, so I’m a little conflicted. It feels good, so I’ll continue! 🙂 I haven’t written outside this blog in ages and ages, so I’m really rusty.